I had a dream last night. I dreamed of a large house. The house is something you would have seen built in the early 1900′s, large high ceilings and many rambling rooms. It’s a mansion really, and I live there. It has seen better days. In my mind it is old, the siding on the exterior is grayed with time, the interior has older, worn and faded wall paper and everything about it is held upright with hopes and dreams. There are times when I see a huge living room in back, with its ceiling that extends for several floors and other times when I walk though the halls just peeking into the many rooms and wonder what is in there.
Last night’s dream was different. As I walked I realized I needed to demolish the building and start over, brand new. Yes, I would tear it all down and build something new, maybe even better suited for my current life.
There were several people in attendance, looking on. I knew everyone of them and at a time identified several people I knew among them. They all looked on with no particular expression on their faces, just an overall support, though from a distance. They represented the ‘safe’ distance from the demolition that was to come.
After the demolition was planned and I started looking back, I set eyes on a shelf with some books on it that I wanted to keep, so I dragged them out and away from the demolition site. Next I spied a few of my Bocci balls lying about; I bowled them over to the ‘safe’ area. After I looked back into what appeared to be the garage, full of things that I would need, I realized that I did not want to demolish my old house after all; I would start with sorting through things and rebuilding, after all. I had the impression that I had demolished this house before and started brand new several times in the past, but this time I had too many things that I would loose.
Yes, I would not demolish this house, I set my mind in motion and walked around into the kitchen, that I knew so well, and opened the windows only to feel a strong breeze blow through, helping to route out the stale air and bring in the fresh. As I walked past the kitchen I noticed someone in there, a woman. She was smiling a knowing smile as I asked her how she was doing. She replied that she was content and went back to what she was doing at the table.
Now, I know there was some who will be alarmed at the revelation, but I do want everyone to understand that I am fine; these were signs and portents, not a reflection of any unhealthy desires. That being said, I have accepted over the years that this house represents my own self view. The demolition is not a form of ‘self harm’, but a desire on my part to rebuild myself into a different person. I have done this several times in the past, as I have moved from group of friends to another or moved from one stage of my life to another, such as moving from the Air Force back into civilian life. Remember that, though there was a demolition, there was a new house in the plans to be built. However, this demolition was finally passed over as I gathered up the tools and threw them away. In this house I will stay and I will sort through all my crap and rebuild. Well, I guess most people need to do that anyway, eh?
There has been a recent move in my life to find old friend, long time passed into the mists of time, and reacquaint myself with them. I know that there is shock and astonish out there when I say that the internet has been the tool that I have used with great success, but it’s true! It’s really true! Okay, I was getting carried away, but let me get back to my diatribe, here.
Yes, the house is a huge thing, at times it reminding me of the Addams Family home. Sometimes there is a store front on the first floor, where I know there was a thriving store, but that store has been closed for many years. Those of you from the past will know which store I most likely mean, even if, in my mind at least, the store bears no resemblance to that place. Perhaps that store will open again. I will see what more I can glean from the images in my mind, but I wanted to jot this snippet down and post, that seemed to be my driving thought as I woke this morning. No alarm, just a sudden shift from sleep to wake.